Monday, August 24, 2009

My life in a nutshell... Getting it all together

Ok so I need to vent and what better place to do that but on your own blog!! :) So my goal in highschool was to get married and have kids partly because I always wanted what I didn't have growing up and because I love kids. Case in point... Im married with 2 boys who are my life! I never really wanted anything until I had them and I honestly never thought I was really that good at anything until I had kids. Once I had them I wanted more for them and realized that I cut myself short before I had them and Im not the example that I want to show for them. As any mother I want them to grow up and fulfill their dreams and shoot for the stars, go to college, enjoy life! Growing up I dealt with too much enternally and was never able really be who I could have been. I found cheerleading to be that outlet and really thrived in the sport but it filled a whole that I didn't want to fill with anything else. I had to work really hard to get c's in highschool and that was enough for me because I didn't really want to go to college anyways. I always played it off like I only wanted babies and a dream marriage but in reality (don't get me wrong I truely wanted kids and marriage) I didn't really thing I was good at anything to go to college for plus I knew I wasn't good in school so why put myself through 4 years of just getting by.

So of course I went to college, had no idea what I was in for, took too many hours, had cheerleading on top of it plus I was 5 hrs away from home with no car so needless to say I failed out... Lost my scholarship and cheerleading squad which was the biggest dissapointment for me. I came back home feeling like more of a failure than I had in my entire life and I had some seriously failure feelings before... I tried going to a tech school for a semester and although I did well I didn't have the funds to keep taking classes and so I got a full time job as a secretary. Here is where life just got worse... I tried making friends because all of mine were in school. I made a friend that I will never regret making but the choices I made with this friend weren't the greatest. As a 19 year old I was working a full time job like an adult but my friends were in college living life as a college student and as a girl who never really faced the depression and issues I had in the past my emotions spiraled out of control and I ended up drinking to get rid of those feelings. WRONG CHOICE! A year after I started this full time job I ended up having to quit due to getting kicked out of my house. I don't really blame my mom. Im not sure as a mother I would have been able to keep my child who was spiraling out of control under the roof with a 9 year old child but at the time I didn't understand and I just wanted to feel like I wasn't drowning anymore.

I ran to my dad in Greenville and without him I probably would have landed at my friends house which would have just aided my drowning instead of someone helping me out of this ocean of depression. Now don't get me wrong my dad never said "ok Amanda we fully support your habit of self destruction" it was more that he accepted me and was supportive of me. He gave me a feeling of stability that I seemed to lack at the time. I ended up taking some more classes and did pretty well but started working full time and got another job along with that so I only did one semester got another job in which I met some more destructive friends although I didnt realize it yet again at the time. The only light in the dark spot was I met Darien. My destructive friends introduced me to this goofy guy who made dumb jokes and who he and I had a certain banter that was fun. He was a Clemson fan which was probably the biggest attraction for me when we met but other than that he was a good friend.

Darien smoked which I hated and I think he wanted to impress me so much he cut way back while we were friends and at some point quit altogether. He was always there being the one friend who reminded me of who I truley was not this person or shell that I had become. After hitting rock bottom, moving in with my desctructive friends, and adding drugs to my drinking I thought I was never going to pick up the pieces. My mom who I had kinda put out of thought out of mind at the point got me to come home a few times to help them open their new icecream stores and I reconnected with old friends(good friends) and after I opened my eyes to my destructive friends crazy personalities I decided to get out. My mom let me move back home and I was determined to get my life straight. Darien and I still talked constantly and I encouraged him to get his life right with me. Columbia was a good move for me and after only falling off the wagon once I really thrived managing my moms store. I enjoyed actually doing well at something! In 2005 Darien and I got engaged and planned on getting married that next summer and in July 2006 and a month later we got pregnant with our first son. 3 years later we now have 2 wonderful boys that I love so much! I am coaching cheerleading, blogging, and this week I will start watching a littler girl named Karsyn. I have alot going on and I don't really want to add to it I just wish I had a skill or that I could finish college so that I can say LOOK boys! I raised you and I still did something with my life because I had a dream! But what am I good at?? I'm good with kids, I love photography, I like teaching(albiet cheerleading), I love medecine and helping people but what do I do? And why do I feel like I need to make something of myself? Really my question is why do I feel so lost? I wish I would have taken advantage of the opportunities when I had them but I didn't know what I know now back then and I didn't really know who I was on top of that. I can't afford to go back to school and if I even went back I don't have the time. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I feel like I should be better! As a mom, as a wife, as a person! I guess I have high goals this time around and I don't know how to achieve them... Ok I got that out! Thanks for listening if you did!

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